Green Lantern 2: Mind Mush
by StupidSequel
Summary: Based on the 2011 live action movie. Hannah Montana buys the power ring on eBay so she can be the most powerful pop star and produce her own music genre as well as the first female Green Lantern. Includes one of the most unique, weirdest endings ever.


**Green Lantern 2: Mind Mush  
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**(AN: I've never seen the Green Lantern movie, so it's one of those fanfics where I just make up some BS plot just looking at the cast list on Wikipedia to get the characters' names. This is a sequel to the live action film that just got released in theaters. I read that it got a 26% on Rotten Tomatoes, so I guess it's a bad sequel to a bad movie. Good review equals trolling, so no good reviews, please.)**

One day Hal Jordan was bored out of his skull. Gosh, do all my fanfics have to start like that? That is so cliché. Since there was nothing to do, no reason to use his power ring anymore, he decided to watch Disney Channel all day and eat some nachos and cheat on his girlfriend. He had gotten an eBay account some time ago and he used to be a hoarder, but he sold so much on eBay he was cleared of his hoarder status. He was losing muscle tone and he was getting quite the beer belly.

"Fuck, can't I just get SOME crime in this motherfuckin town for once?" After no response, he decided to do the one thing he thought he would never, ever do: sell his power ring on eBay. Yup. Have some average, ordinary citizen claim the Green Lantern ring. _Bullseye. _Just then Hannah Montana came on.

"Oh my God, I love Hannah Montana!" Hal Jordan squealed like a teenage girl. He couldn't jump cuz he was heavier than Heavystep. "I hope they never cancel it. I would rather have all my limbs pulled off one by one, have the wounds soaked in flesh melting acid, and then set myself on fire than endure the unspeakable agony of that show being canceled. I hope it lives on for eternity!"

One episode later...

Hal Jordan was surprised to see Hannah Montana wielding the power ring. "I am gonna be the world's most powerful pop star, and no one's gonna stop me now that I am the first ever female Green Lantern," Hannah laughed evil way. "Watch out for my new debut album, 'Kill the Lights' featuring such chart topping singles as 'Kill the Lights' (not to be confused with the song of the same name by Britney Spears or 'I'm Not your Boyfriend Baby' by 3OH!3.) 'Moonstrukk' and 'Gothitelle's Cry.' Gothitelle's cry was Hannah Montana's shortest single by far. It was a 2 second instrumental of something that sounded like the Psycho theme. Random fact: the author just lost the game.

"Oh no! What have I done! I should never have sold my power ring on eBay cuz Hannah Montana is definitely the part of the pie chart that includes 'the wrong hands!' I should go find him." Hal was about to take off running when he felt something weird in his belly.

"Oh my freaking God, I think I'm getting pregnant!" Don't ask me how a male got pregnant in this story, I don't even know, and I'm the author. Some things you just can't explain, like the theory of why Tom Cruise runs in all his movies. Oh wait, that was explained. But Family Guy isn't really a reliable source. Now back to the story. Hal was pushing the baby out as hard as he could. He needed to move faster so he could apprehend Hannah without his power ring somehow because he doesn't want good music to go the way of the dinosaurs. Finally he was done getting pregnant. It was a beautiful baby girl. Awww. "I think I'll name you Carol Ferris. Hmmm. I think I'm in love with you. But this isn't right. I can't be in love with my own baby." This is the same Carol Ferris that would become the vice president of Ferris Aircraft, but Hal didn't know that yet. God, I just love playing with continuity. "Okay, I'm scared. How the fuck did I just get pregnant? I'M A MALE, GOD DAMMIT!" geee rruuti nkfnnffn opjppoj rff. "But I can't leave my baby daughter slash love interest all by herself while I go take down Hannah Montana. I know. I think I'll take Carol with me." Problem: he lived all the way in Gotham City, Nevada, while Hannah Montana lived in Valencia, California, making her a California gurl. That was about 7,000 miles away. And Hal didn't own a car or any mode of transport, so he had to make the 7,000 mile journey by foot while giving his daughter slash love interest a piggy back ride the whole way.

Thirteen miles later, he started having cramps.

"Motherfucking flaming shit cock on a stick, I think I'm having my period." But he had to go to the _men's _restroom, which Carol couldn't enter, being as she is a female and there is a separate room for those. "I know. I'll tie a rope to her while I go have my period."

Six hours later, when Hal finally exited the restroom, he saw that someone had taken his daughter slash love interest.

"WHAT KIND OF COCKSUCKER WOULD DO THAT? And furthermore, they say that people need tampons when on their period, but I have no idea what the hell a tampon is." he screamed and then talked, in all directions. "Now I gotta comb the entire country!" he mumbled. He tripped over a gas line from a grill that someone was using for a cookout. It was a gas grill, and there was a leak, so...

"My God, that was a real drug trip." he said in a haze. "I just got it. Since farts are also methane gas and this leak gave me a drug trip, so maybe if I go around, randomly smelling peoples' farts, then maybe I will get a vision to help me locate my daughter slash love interest. It's worth a try," he said to no one in particular. "And what better place than Taco Bell."

He went up to the ass of someone who was munching on a Nachos Bell Grande and took a whiff as soon as they farted. "Yummy farts, how I love thou," Hal cheered. "but it still isn't enough." So he went into the mens room and, just his luck, the last person had not flushed. Actually it would have been pointless given the crap water ratio. "Maybe I can get a little high from this one." No luck. But he did vomit from the intense smell.

"Yikes! Never again!" So he was thinking of scanning the entire country in a zig zag sweeping fashion because he gave up on the fart smelling idea. Plus, stopping Hannah Montana from killing the music industry was far more important. He had to stop every eight days because of his persistent PMS.

When he finally got to San Francisco, California, where I definitely said that Hannah Montana was and not any other place, he was thinking about how he was gonna get his ring back. By improvising somehow. Suddenly he saw her.

"I am the first ever female Green Lantern, and I can use my ring that I purchased on eBay to predict the future. Your daughter slash love interest will become the vice president of an airline company called Ferris Aircraft and she will be mocked and ridiculed because she is in love with her own kin who is also much older than she is. You two will get married and have a beautiful baby. Wanna know when Jesus comes back?"

"NO! I'd rather live in fear till then cuz sinning is so much fun," Metroid replied.

"Alright then," Hannah Montana replied. "By the way, I am now the most famous pop star ever. Now all music will coalesce into a single genre known as 'mind mush.' Ha ha ha!" Hal had a bad feeling that the new 'mind mush' genre would be the musical equivalent of Armageddon. But he supported her because he was in love with her and only her, and I definitely did not ever mention him being in love with anyone else, ever, so don't call me a liar, douchebags! Finally Hal got down on one knee and popped the question.

"Will you marry me?"

"Sure, whatever," Hannah Montana replied, and they walked over to the tavern while carefully stepping over the pile of bones that were once his arch nemesis, Hector Hammond. He was glad that he was able to summon Cthulhu to squish him like a grape the same way that he did that to Justin Bieber on South Park.

For their honeymoon, they decided to go to the capital of Afghanistan, which, if you've been paying attention in geography class, you'd know that it is definitely New York City, and there is more chance of me being eaten by a bear right now than of me being wrong about that. They flew on the airline that Hal's girlfriend, Carol, was vice president of.

"So Hannah, I'm getting married to my daughter in a few short weeks. She's gonna be Mrs. Jordan." Hannah Montana discreetly stomped on the Green Lantern ring until it popped like a pimple. "Kill the lights," she murmured.

"Beg pardon?" Hal said. Hannah Montana sang the rest of 'Kill the Lights' by the Spears lady.

"But that's not your song. You're supposed to sing your version," Hal raised her voice this time. When Hannah got up to go to the bathroom, Hal looked down and she couldn't believe what he saw: the broken body of what was once his power ring. Now there could be no more Green Lanterns. Hal felt like she divided by zero. When Hannah got back, he gasped.

"Ah, so you know that I destroyed the ring, huh?" Hannah said in his manly voice. "Prepare to die right here on the spot!" He punched Hal out of the plane using one of her strong arms and Hal fell about 3 feet to the ground. The plane pilot which is revealed to be Carol Ferris, crashed the plane into a mountain on purpose, killing both herself and Hannah Montana, willing to martyr herself for the sake of the music industry.

Hal got impaled on a rock. A bear came and shat on him. A scarecrow then came to life and shot him with flaming bullets. Lightning then struck him and lit him on fire. He found himself in a place of fire and brimstone.

"Welcome to hell, fallen one!" Satan said with a laugh.

One day Hal Jordan was at home, with his Green Lantern ring intact. I don't know how he did it, but he's safe at last now, he was married to Carol Ferris, had 17 ugly babies, and the mind mush genre of music has been wiped out.


End file.
